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Dissecting Love :How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011 |

How Do you mend a broken heart?


At one point of our lives we all have to deal with this.  That shattering moment when you realized the hopes and dreams you built around a person has been trampled on by the very one you gave your heart to. The BETRAYAL that just feels like your guts has been wrenched out, you feel light-headed and heavy-hearted, and lonely.  Nights go by when you can’t sleep and you wake up wishing you hadn’t, your pillow is so stained by tears you can feel mould growing on it.  You feel like lying in bed doing nothing but doing exactly that makes you feel worse than you already do.

That’s a broken heart for you. And no matter how upbeat I and cool I tried to appear, I went through the motions alright. I was angry, anguished, confused, depressed. sometimes I  myself didn’t know what I was feeling, the tears came out even as I watched  Mr. Bean was serving his guests Marmite Sticks at his New-Year- Eve party.  Because you see, being used to having that someone to talk to, to hold, to love, to laugh with is like having a drug, and when it is taken away from you, the withdrawal symptoms are the biggest bitches on this planet, I swear! That is why I stopped blogging for awhile, to stop myself from bitching, and to practice what I preach , and see what happens. 

  As is my motto, there is always the FUN in dysfunctional, as dark as my days were at that time, I always believed in finding a glimpse of light no matter how small. You see, it is never about what the heartbreak does to you, it should be always about what you do with the heartbreak, you can either transform that broken heart into a new work of art, or let the broken pieces cut you even further, it’s always about choice. Just by holding on to this simple rule, I turned my life around, broadened my horizons, raised my self-value to a higher degree and made the best damned lemon meringue pie out of the lemons that was shoved into my face.  This was what I did, I wrote myself a list, to get me through every day so that I do not end up a miserable wreck.  I labeled this list the :


TRANSFORMATION PROJECT of the heartbroken hottie((dont laugh)

1.     Love myself and make myself lovelier
And so I did, I instantly started looking at myself in the mirror, looking closely and embracing whatever I saw.  I pictured a light emitting  from every part of my body, and how comfortable I am in my own skin. And I also saw things that I could improve on. Maybe I need to let my hair loose,  wear something different, start working out more . I reflected on things I could change on the inside, I should learn how to smile more, be friendlier, I should always walk with the air of confidence,  I should love myself more.  And when I envisioned the person I want to become, I worked on it.
    I went shopping for new clothes, discovered a whole new woman in me, smiled more often, prayed more deeply, looked for a bunch new stuff to do, I was set to transform into the best me I can be and transform I did!
    And if you knew me months back, and see me now,  Im basically still the same person, but better, happier, and hotter ;D. Hehe, I always tell myself that, keeps me feeling good.  And Im telling you, if you feel good about yourself, and are comfortable with the person that you are, people around you will feel the same way about you.  If I were a crying wreck feeling sorry for myself all the time, imagine the list of prospects who would be deterred because they cant handle my emotional drama.

2. Picture my dream guy
The first thing I did was to go deep and think about what it is in a man that I really wanted.  There were things in my past relationshipS that I settled for because I allowed myself to be blinded by love, I overlooked and tried to ignore things that made me unhappy, because thats how we girls always are built, adapting to other people for the sake of love and putting our own needs behind.  But Ill be damned if I ever let myself make that mistake again. So I reflected on what made me happiest.  What made me feel loved and appreciated. What qualities in a man made me feel safe and warm.  Looks were secondary to me,  but just for kicks  I always imagined these qualities in Gerards Butlers body(hey, theres no law against overfantasizing!). 
Anyway, this is a process where you get in touch with what you feel, what you want and dont want in a relationship. For me it was to find someone who was religious, someone who was unselfish, and someone who would come up with all sorts of ideas to make me smile, and who is close to his family, someone who has no track record of infidelity etc etc which is basically what most girls want.
But then, I never made that list the be all and end all, my mind was set and eager to meet all sorts of men, and open my heart to the different emotional experiences they would give. And in turn, I would learn about what is best for me.  


3.   Get myself a bicycle and ride my way to a sexy pair of legs
This was the thing I had always wanted to do but never got round to it, to with all this spare time on my hands, why not? So I got Oscar .   
My hottest ride - Oscar

    Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I did something I should have done long ago, and it made me feel like I fulfilled something, and I was so busy learning to ride, meeting other cyclists, it made me think less and less of the pain, and yes, I love my legs *wink*! Erhmm..
      The point Im making here is to do whatever you have always dreamed of doing, achieve something you have been holding back or forgot about. This will give you a whole new sense of purpose in life. Go on a trip with friends, do charity work, dive off a plane and hope the parachute opens, do everything out of your routine. Life will be so exhilirating and stimulating youd be half glad the break up happened.


4.    Print business card and start networking
It was crucial that I start making people remember me, as I made it a must to meet more people and widen my social circle, I designed a business card of my own. I made it pretty and colourful and unique so that people would actually want to keep it . I handed it to whomever I met and talked to. This not only led me to meeting and socializing all kinds of people, and getting invitations to dinners and lunch dates, but also more calls to gigs for events and private functions.  Extra income.  YAHOO! So when a heartbreak happens, network, network and aim to double your social circle in the fastest time possible.


5.   Smile at anyone that catches your eye, be receptive but not desperate of their attention.

This took a bit of getting used to as I tended to feel uncomfortable when I noticed guys taking more than a second glance at me. But after the breakup, I used this as a confidence and self-esteem builder.  If I happen to catch any guy looking a little longer at me, I would look up and smile at them. And their smile back actually made me feel warm and gave me a boost in my ego. Of course I didnt limit this to men only, I did it to women, children, old people, I even smiled at animals because I just felt like it.  And it just made me feel, different,  I felt good about myself, and with this new found confidence, I never felt the need to try hard to get a mans attention,  I was happy just being somewhere, not doing anything impressive really, just smiling at someone, and seeing them smile back at me.

6.    Date, without any expectations other than having a good time.
Now this was the fun part.  Being single, of course I got quite a few invitations to dates with all kinds of men, different races, different occupations, different backgrounds.  I went to all these dates, took the effort to look my best, and be my best. But I never went to any of these dates worrying about whether he would like me, or is he compatible with me, I just went for the sake of learning about responding to different men, and having fun. No expectations, no commitments . 

This opened up my eyes to all the men who are still out there, and gave me the chance to actually experiment the best ways to act and respond to different characters, and it made me excited to see what was in store for my future dates. I was  gonna lean back, relax ,enjoy the dating experience , weigh my options,  and see who eventually steps up to the plate. 
However, at this stage of healing and self-discovery, it is best to not settle into a relationship too quickly, because it will most probably lean towards becoming a rebound, and  as a victim of heartbreak meself, I do not want to spread the hurt.  Take it slow, dive blindly into the sea of love when you're heart is not ready for the swim, and you might drown again, or pull someone under with you.

7.   Trust in God to know what’s best for me. Pray

I am not trying to delve into religion here, but when I felt I had no where to turn to, I prayed hard, and believed profusely that God made everything happen for a reason, that this broken road I stumbled into was gonna lead me to something beautiful and worthwhile. Having faith and hope in God helped me through my distress, it gave me the calming sense that no matter what happened, there was always someone watching over me. I grew stronger and braver because of this belief. This belief helped me walk that bumpy, broken road with hope and determination and courage, and never with self-pity.


8.   Be my own fountain of love.

   We should never wait for a someone to come around and complete us,. Or fulfill our need for love and happiness. If we did it would make us half a person, a needy, incomplete person. Doesn't sound so nice, does it?  So, instead of depending on other people for all that sugar and spice and all things nice, we should be overflowing with it ourselves, we should be radiating with so much love and happiness, that people would actually want to come near and drink from our fountain.  If we depend on people to fill our cups all the time, we are just draining them. NOT GOOD. So this was what I motivated myself into doing, to be a complete, wholesome, loving and happy person even if I have to do it on my own.

9.  Surround myself with friends.

Naturally, being alone in a trying time like this is not healthy at all, I needed positive energy around me, to keep me from feeling sorry for myself for too long. I opened up my list of contacts, and started inviting friends out for dinner, gatherings and stuff.  I went to these outings with the determination to have a good time and to not mope.  Nothing heals a heartbreak like good company. And for that I would like to deeply thank those who have graced me with their delightful companionship & support . (Gina, Jon, Dan, Maj, Joanna, Mel, Irene, Deon, my sistersAnd so many others I cant mention or it would take up the whole page, I hope you read this)

10.   In this sob story, I am NEVER the one who lost 
            
         In every bad situation, there is always bound to be something good that comes out of it. For example, you learn, you grow, and you are more prepared for whatever comes next. You never lose, because there is always something to gain. 


 Even though I knew I wasn't in the wrong in this breakup, and I believed that I was a good and loving and wholesome girlfriend that any man would be happy to have, I did some self-evaluation, and thought of what I could have done better or differently, or mistakes I could have made. I researched thoroughly on mistakes most women usually make in a relationship, and swore to never make them again. 


Don't take this the wrong way , this is not where you beat yourself up for your mistakes or what you did and didn't do enough. This is about figuring out how responding differently to certain situations could have been better, or how maybe you drove a man in the other direction perhaps by  pushing his way too much, or being too accomodative he took you for granted. This is a learning and growth process, so that you would know how to get that dream relationship that you truly deserve , a relationship that would truly make you happy in the future.


 With this in my head, I minimized self-blame and self-pity, and thought about the  many newfound options' that would be coming my way. I know,  I lost the battle to win the war J

On the other hand, if the breakup had been a bad one, or obviously caused by a fault of yours e.g you fought a lot, you were being too difficult, you did something unforgiveable etclearn from it, but do not punish yourself with regret and self-accusations. Start anew and look forward to how much you will improve in future relationships. And make sure you do not commit the same mistake again or this will really be a lost cause. So when faced with a breakup, Do not ever think of it as a lost, but an experience that would prepare you for something better.


11.    Mend this heartand open it up to other people, but never ever let it get away from me again.

This is a lesson I learnt well. I let other people have control over my heart, when I myself had no control over it especially when it was on the verge of being broken. Now that I have it back, mended it with all the steps above, I must learn how to protect it. But protecting it does not mean closing it up and putting up fences.  I keep it open, to love, to happiness, to people, I picture it as something, inside my chest,  my chest is opened up and my heart is beating, radiating warmth and joy to whomever comes near, but my heart is still inside me, Im in control of where it goes. And whoever wants to feel what my heart has to offer, and to have my heart, has to stand close to me.  Because I will never again make the mistake of letting my heart get carried away from my being.


Well, it's been a long time since that saga of heartbreak. Right now, where I am, I can proudly say that the old jolly Annabel is back and better than ever.  I'm living my life, always busy doing what I love to do, I've been on numerous dates, and actually have the luxury of deciding who I will be happiest with. And I am still in the process of deciding. OPTIONS RULE!! The difference is now I am no longer desperate for love, my heart is now fully mended and additionally equipped with self-love and respect. Ahh ...Thank God for them LEMONS


Where the FUN at : Lemons can also be made into batteries, did you know? 

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